Dating takes patience, sifting, and access to a background check...

Warning: online dating websites do NOT run background checks, so I highly recommend that those that are on said sites, run your own background checks and be prepared to then run (literally).  

Many sex offenders, regardless of broken rules, are on these sites. Maybe some of you have heard this story, but one such person I met, and dated, before he became a sex offender. Whew, dodged that bullet.

Not that it wasn’t an interesting experience to begin with. I should have realized what I was in for when we first met. This website requires that one of the two people talking to each other, pay in order for communication to happen. Unless you just want to lamely "wink" or "flirt" repeatedly.  What is the point of that anyway?  You can send a wink, but you are incapable of communicating more than that. Short conversation. It's the equivalent of "Hi" and that's all. No more can be said, without forking over some cash.

Anyhoo, Mr. Wonderful wasn’t paying for the membership on this particular website, I was. However, I wouldn't be able to know that because unless you both weren't paying, how would you know if it was your money that allowed you to communicate or theirs? 

This was pretty much par for the course as our “dating” relationship continued. Not only was he selfish with his money, but he was also selfish in…well you know.

Of course, I am a glutton for punishment or equally as desperate as the fire fighter. There are so many moments where I should have been done with him. 

The time he brought me fast food for dinner (the only time he paid) and by the time he got to my apartment he ate almost all of my fries...WTF, Dude?

The time I made dinner for his brother, roommate, and him with kitchen utensils that weren’t designed for anything beyond mac and cheese. And while I did that, he was texting other girls.  His brother was pissed off at him, as was his roommate. They yelled for him to pay attention to me and get off his phone (I realized it was girls later, obviously).  He just smirked and continued. He truly believed he was a skilled player.  Doesn't count when the girl is dumb...hello me at 30.  

Then there was the fact that most of our dates consisted of the constant watching of The Hangover and Hot Tub Time Machine…over and over and over.  We couldn’t ever go anywhere because he never had money and if we did, I had to pay.

On weekends when he would get paid, he would head up north to some night club.  This is where I began to see pictures of some girl he was hanging out with up there, on his Facebook. Maybe were were a perfect match cause he clearly was as stupid as me.

But this man was no catch. Crappy job, boring unless he was drinking, selfish, self-absorbed, rude and not that attractive, or bright.  He wasn’t unattractive, but he wasn’t a ladies man.  His brother, on the other hand was, and I think he aspired to be his like brother. But the part he didn't realize, his brother did treat the women well when he was with them. This guy thought he just had to show up.  (Insert eye roll here) 

When I finally decided to walk away?  Well, besides being tired of always paying, it was when I saw a picture of him and that girl from up north in what appeared to be a bed.  They were laying down, taking a selfie.  I basically dumped him on the phone, but he wanted to get together to "talk".  I said we can talk, but I wanted to go out and we weren't dating, that I wasn't changing my mind about. I was tired of sitting in the basement watching lame movies.  So he said he had coupons for a local pizza place.  Huh? I thought. He was gonna pay?  That was new.  (I know what you are thinking…don’t beat me to the punchline.)

Before we leave, we discuss the girl in the bed and he is trying to make moves on me.  Yuck!  Then he actually had the balls to say to me that the girl and him were laying in the bed because they were sleepy and nothing was going on. I just laughed and said, "Really?  Do I look that fucking dumb to you?"  He laughed because he knew he was caught. Of course, when I think about what I had already put up with, maybe it's fair if he thought I was that dumb.

We go out for food and we have a couple beers. We are having a great time and actually, great conversation.  I’m feeling generous, so I offer to pay for the beer.  He doesn’t respond with more than an unenthusiastic, "okay".  

We are getting ready to leave and we walk up to the register. I notice he makes no move to reach for his wallet, other than to grab the coupons from his pocket. "Okay, I can pay half the tab," I offer.  That is when I’m realize, before he even says it, he doesn’t have any money, at all. 

Such an asshole…and I mean me.  I start laughing, and said, when he gave me this I feel bad look, "Oh no, this is completely my fault.  I’ll pay.” And that was the last time we "dated", not saw each other, just dated. Though I don't fully count that as a date, I can't lie, had he paid that date I might have given him another chance. Based on what I'm about to tell you, I'm glad he stayed classy and only brought his coupons.

We would bump into each other every so often or he would reach out to me when things didn’t go well with another girl…I’m guessing.  His job situation never improved nor did his maturity. For some reason, and to this day I still have no idea what made me do this, I went online and did a background check on him.  Maybe it’s because I discovered the site and was inputting every guy I had ever dated, you know, just to see.  And that is when I see it.  A couple years after we had last dated, he was out there for some kind of sexual deviant charge.  Something regarding a minor who was mentally impaired.  I’m guessing drunk. It didn't sound like actual sex had occurred, but I don't know how to interpret those court documents.

He received 10 years on the registry and fines and probably had to check in with some kind of probation officer for the whole 10 years.

I then start to go back out to another free dating website, where I happened to get lucky and meet my wonderful fiancé.  But before I met him, I was on there and saw a tiny little picture at the top of my screen (where they show you a bunch of men or women, depending on your preference, that are currently online). I could swear it was him, but I chose to ignore it and hope he didn’t see me if it was him.  Literally, two minutes later he is texting my phone.  (I really should have changed my number). So, we start texting and of course, I’m an ass, I ask him, "What's new?  Anything new and exciting happening in your life?  No?  Are you sure???"  Liar Liar…let me introduce you to a fire fighter…he’ll help with those hot pants you surely are sporting.

That was the last I had spoken to him.  A year after that, I did another search, out of curiosity.  He was put in jail for a year.  Sounds like he lied about his charges…to who, I don’t know, but it landed him in jail.  I’m guessing it was regarding online dating and lying during some type of probation officer requested lie detector test, which may not be admissible in court, but it can definitely land your ass in jail when you're on probation.  At least I have been informed by another man that found me on a dating website, who also was a sex offender.  Sadly, (the ones I know about) there were three. Only two out of the three admitted to it and only one right away. So, watch out folks, as you might have guessed, people lie. 

You think it would have scared me away from online dating, but I think about those people that meet in bar, weddings, or etc. No profile to review or other pictures to look at and kind of see where they have been. You almost know less when you randomly meet someone in person versus online.

Sure the guy online can lie, but just as easily as the guy in the bar can too. And I have seen them do it several times...just as much as they do it online.

There was guy that tried to tell my friends and I that his wife had died and he was at the bar all alone. It was his first time out in ten years. But he had screwed up and told us that his wife had left behind two children with him. She died ten years prior, but somehow they had a five and seven year old...huh? And then when the bar closed, out of nowhere some guy popped up and asked this "lone wolf" if he was ready to go. See, even in person, they lie with ease and they tell whoppers of stories.

The Fire Fighter Doused in Desperation

Well I promised you a story about firefighters that stalk, so here it goes. That same day that I fell with the full beer (St. Patrick’s Day of 2007) and didn’t spill a drop, as I mentioned, I attracted the attention of anyone in the newly expanded bar due to all of the clapping.  I apparently drew the attention of a fire fighter along with the rest of them.

I had just broken up with my boyfriend of eight years the previous November.  I was kind of a mess, or at least I was in the beginning of becoming a mess. However, there are lines that even I won’t cross, no matter how desperate I might become. 

Anyway, I spilled the beer, received a standing ovation, (even though I was seated), and then shortly thereafter, we went outside to celebrate by tempting the fate of cancer with our cigarettes. (It makes as much sense as it sounds like, but there it is at the age twenty-eight).

As we stood there, smoking, an older looking man approached us and began talking to us. I wish I could remember exactly what I was thinking.  I had a few cocktails in me but I think I hovered between creeped out and interested. Interested because he was so interested in me; and creeped out because the feeling wasn’t mutual. That’s a broad spectrum, I realize. It had either begun to rain or it had become increasingly more windy, but we decided to leave. 

However, not before I had given him my phone number and he had shared his age of 39 with me. He left to get a drink or use the bathroom and we left. I thought he was a little old for me, eleven years difference and all, but I also didn’t plan on seeing him again.

We ran off to the next bar and I put my hoodie up (as if I could hide in that bright blue number). My phone began to ring like crazy and I ignored it, knowing it had to be the fire fighter. I became paranoid that he was following us. I also couldn’t be sure if that fear was from too many drinks or a real fear of someone that scared me for one reason or another. I can be melodramatic from time to time, after all.

We went into another bar, and quite honestly, the events of the rest of the day are a blur. I believe it went on all night, and my bestie and I might have even gotten into a fight, later in the evening, right before ending up at a diner for food. But man, eleven years ago is a very long time.

So, after that night, I completely forgot about the fire fighter, I can’t believe I even remember his name, which I will keep to myself.  I think I remember his name. Anyhoo, he began to blow up my phone immediately the next day or the day after. He claimed he was worried about whether I got home safely. (His excuse for calling me three million times) He clearly did not forget about me.  I thought, okay, I’m sober, I can give this person a chance. I don’t need to run away because I miss my ex or whatever preconceived notions I had of dating someone who is older.

Dating someone who is older always creeps me out like I’m dating an older relative, even if it’s only ten years, it feels weird to me.  Apparently, dating someone who is younger (9 years to be exact and the father of my child) that’s just fine. Well, we aren’t together anymore, so I guess it’s not just fine. Anyway, I’m getting off topic…

I decide to accept his offer for a date. I don’t even really remember the details of how he asked or where we went, though I’m thinking it was Applebees.  Anyway, on our date, (our first date) I find out that he was not thirty-nine, after he kept changing his age, we settled on forty-three, I think. Liar Liar pants on fire…thank God he worked for the fire department.

I let it go, once again. Someday I’ll share a story of when I was nineteen and you’ll see I have a pattern of ignoring red flags…ugh!

Anyway, I let it go and as I think back, we may have only had one or two dates. I know I was bothered because he moved from the east coast to Minnesota, leaving his child behind to be a fire fighter here.  It didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me and I felt it said a lot about who he was. Then there were these goofy creepy faces he would make, that nauseated me. And also, because he was a fire fighter I think he believed he could do or act however, and he would still be considered sexy because of his job.  I’m thinking, are you wearing the uniform now?  No? Okay, not sexy right at this moment.  Kind of harsh, I realize that, but I was twenty – eight.  Another pattern you will come to see, I tended to be fairly harsh back in my heyday or is it “hay” day…I make myself giggle.

The straw (speaking of hay) that broke the camel’s back in this situation, was when he wanted me to meet his entire family on the second or third date.  I was about to leave for Vegas and that felt a tad serious for me, at that point.

I told him that I didn’t know if I was ready for that level of commitment, I believed I was saying it in a way that meant we could continue to see each other and see how it goes, but immediately he was angry and hung up.

During my formative years, I learned pretty quick who the low self-esteem guys were when that was the reaction I would get.  Not getting their way, equating to hating you forever and hanging up on you.

A few weeks later, I was reconsidering my decision and I sent him a text to test out the waters. I got back a hateful, angry text that made no sense to me. So I replied with, “Wow! I was gonna see if maybe I reacted to harshly or didn’t give this a chance, but I can see I made the right choice.” I got back some weak excuse of him believing I was someone else…I wasn’t buying it.  But that reaction was all I really needed to know. It would have been foolish of me to get involved with someone that angry and childish.

In retelling this story, stalker may be harsh (shocking, I know), hence the title.

St. Patrick's Day - Step with Caution

It’s almost St. Patty’s day here in the United States.  In addition, I’m sitting in St. Paul, where this is as close to the Irish as we can get, short of going to Ireland. (At least that’s what I choose to believe because I don’t really know any better or more) I really wonder what the celebration is like in Ireland. I’m not big on crowds, so I’d probably just want pictures or videos, but I think it would still be cool to see.

I think back on the St. Patrick’s Days of my youth. I’ve never been big on crowds or “young” places, even when I was young. In fact, my best friend would often roll her eyes at me when she would ask me what I was wearing when planning to go out (cause you have to coordinate with your girlfriends, I guess) and my response was always, or generally, flannel and jeans.  Like I gave a crap.

Anyhoo, there was a time or two when I allowed myself to be dragged out to downtown during this most holy of drinking days.  I even took a day off from work for the adventure on the most memorable one. My step dad drove me down to St. Paul, so I could leave my car at their place and take a cab back when I was done. I met my best friend and for the most part, it went okay.  I was dressier than usual.  A pretty, blue zip up hoodie and jeans…no flannel and no green.  (I don’t recall being pinched once. I should be either relieved or insulted).

We stopped at our favorite place. A bar we frequented every Thursday with my bestie’s family. Unbeknownst to me, they had recently expanded the place. I had maybe had a couple of drinks at that point and I had a full beer in my hands.  (Did I mention I always wear high heels?) I see the new addition of the bar and excitedly we head over to check it out. It really was my fault for not looking down when walking to the other side of the room because as I crossed into the new are, I lose my footing and I plunge to the earth.

I sit there (I landed square on my butt), drink in hand, looking bewildered. How on earth did this happen?  That’s when I see the step that has yellow caution tape on it. Useful, on the ground. I mean it’s a bar, you need better signage for drunk people, I think.

My thoughts of warning labels and embarrassment are stifled when I notice that people are cheering and clapping. I’m confused and hurt.  Are they teasing me because I fell? Not polite, if you ask me.

I stand up, with some help from my friend and I ask one of the applauders, “Why are you guys clapping?” I wonder if I looked angry at that point. He looks at me surprised, points at my hand, and says, “Cause, you didn’t spill your drink!”

I play back all the events in my mind and realize, huh, I had a glass of beer, not a bottle, and it was literally full.  Not one drop had come out of said glass and I landed square on my butt.  To this day, over 10 years later, I’m still not sure how I managed to accomplish that feat.

Now at this age, (I’m pretty sure I mentioned it in yesterday’s post and it actually hurt a little to type it out), I look at what I have planned on this green day and it really (for the most part) includes avoiding the bars at all costs. It’s not the age because I have friends my age that want to go out.  I’m just reverting to not wanting to be in big crowds and I’m old enough not to care if I say no to my friends.

And I’m not single, so I’m not looking for man meat…so why not stay home in the comfort of my own home? Safe from scores of people and steps I won’t see and stalker fire fighters…but that story I’ll save for another day this week before the holiday has passed us by.

What did you want to be when you grew up?

I don't know about you, but as a child I pictured my life to be pretty spectacular when I grew up.  I would have a job that paid well, a husband, and a nice house. There really was no deep thought beyond those things.  I didn't think about what my husband would be like, what it was like having or raising children, (Granted, after my mother told me the horror story of how you made a baby, I wanted nothing to do with that.) but jobs, that, I did think about.

I wanted to be a lawyer or a writer. That was the dream.  After high school, I didn't think the legal profession would happen, as I threw my education down the drain after my sophomore year. Angst y teenage crap. 

I eventually began college at the age of twenty-two, and found myself pursuing a paralegal career. I felt a little disenfranchised when I realized how dull it truly was. I think for the right person it can be a very exciting career, but for me, it wasn't enough to keep me interested. That or I simply watched too much Law & Order and quickly learned that isn't really how it works.  Especially, if you work in Patent Law and not Criminal Law.

The other dream of writing I began to turn to. (on the side, as a hobby, of course) I had always written stories as long as I could remember. At least, started them.  I even had a poem published in some obscure poetry publication at the age of fourteen. But in 2010, I began a journey to tell a story, loosely based on my best friend, who was dealing with an abusive relationship. I wrote it off and on through out the years, and even began posting pieces of it on this very blog. It was in a very raw state of writing. I also worked full time and attended college (attempting to earn a master's degree) at this time, as well.  Once my daughter turned two, that was all over with. Can't really do online classes in the evening when a cutie pie wants your love and affection.

A part time job also had come along at some point in order for me to supplement my income. The book was pushed off even more. During this seven year process of writing my debut novel for publishing, the book evolved and became it's own creature, far removed from where it began. I'm proud of what I've accomplished and hope that I can do more.  I just hope that the next one does NOT take seven years.

Now realizing both dreams, whether they came to fruition or not, I look at the other pieces of my life. The husband. I was thirty-seven when I finally met the right guy to marry. My match. It's never what you picture it will be, but hopefully it's better.  In my case, I couldn't have imagined better for a fiance. And children. I obviously got over the how you made babies and MUCH MUCH MUCH later got over where they come out of and had a child. Mostly, I got over the idea of where they come out of when I got pregnant. Just had to grin and bear it, literally.  Now I have my most wonderful daughter and fiance and finally became a writer. It may never be my full time job or pay the bills, but I love doing it and will continue to do it.

I had to overcome many obstacles, including dealing with my own self loathing to get here, but here I am, and I wouldn't trade in any of those moments because it could mean that I wouldn't end up exactly where I am today.